Three times a year, families will join us at the Ranch for a Family Weekend Workshop. For three and a half days they will work hard, play hard, and experience many workshops at the ranch which will help reframe, rebuild and transform their relationships with their son, and often even with each other. One workshop is the Equine Therapy Experience. Part of the time is devoted to the students showing their parents and siblings the skills and horsemanship they've learned while at the Ranch. The other part involves getting into the arena with the family and one or more horses. The experiences unfold in often surprising ways and the processing of these can be very emotional. To help readers understand, I can only offer to describe some of the most compelling examples of this past year. All of the names were changed to protect confidentiality.

These excerpts are from an activity I call "blindfolded appendages." The student stands in the center of his family with his arms entwined with one parent on each side. If there is a sibling, s/he is between the student and a parent. I explain that the student is the brain and the parents are the appendages. The student's hands and the inner hands of the parents are not usable, only the outside hands are to be used. The parents are then blindfolded and, as a group, they go into the arena to catch and halter a horse. As the brain, the student has to communicate to and use his parents' arms as his only appendages.

The challenge brings out a great deal of emotion around how they see themselves, each other, the current state of their trust issues with their son, their coping skills under stress and the dynamics between all of the members of the family. By blindfolding the parents, the exercise also shifts the usual dynamic of the power and control in the family. I choose horses which are interactive and appear to enjoy these types of activities without becoming stressed. The horses are in a 50'X50' arena and so have the freedom to move away from any situation that is troubling to them. This in itself creates realizations for the family.

Horses Mirror the Emotions of the Family

Horses are very sensitive to the emotions and intentions of those around them, and their reactions and responses directly and immediately reflect those back. This gives students and families the opportunity to see themselves and their interactions from a fresh perspective and re-create their lives and relationships differently. A great example of this follows: Tanner's father, Bob, a highly successful business man, is typically in charge in most areas of his life. Bob had been very controlling of his home and family, and Tanner had come to the Ranch with severe depressive and anxiety symptoms and a poor sense of himself, in addition to his drug use. Tanner's mom, Heidi, tended to be passive and disconnected when Bob became tense, and she was also fairly depressed. At the time of this exercise, Tanner was toward the end of his stay and getting ready to graduate. Both his mom and dad were outwardly expressing readiness, while showing a great deal of anxiety about the transition.

In the equine arena, Bob was feeling very anxious about being blindfolded around the horses. His usual way of coping with this was to become irritable and demanding. He began to act this out, and Heidi began to disconnect and shut down. It looked as if the old dynamic might play out again. But Tanner stayed very calm, strong and centered. He communicated well and didn't shut down or quit when his father acted irritably toward him. He engaged both of his parents, staying focused on solving the problem while challenging them to push through their emotions to function as a family.

In processing, Tanner talked about how, in the past, his father would start to become irritable and then "go off." Tanner said he used to shut down and disconnect, like his mom. Bob said he was frustrated in the exercise but Tanner reassured and encouraged him and Bob remembered from the last family weekend that he could calm himself instead of escalating. Bob said he stopped, breathed and calmed himself, and focused back on the activity. Heidi felt good that she didn't react to Bob's initial tension; she was able to stay present, and keep listening and functioning to work with Tanner on the solution.

We talked about recovery and transition and the anxiety around Tanner coming home. We discussed how to deal with the emotions without escalating themselves and then each other. We talked about Tanner needing to be very communicative and strong in taking care of his recovery, and mom and dad needing to stay present, breathe, talk about their anxieties and problem-solve, rather than reacting and micromanaging. The parents were amazed that Tanner stayed so calm, strong and centered; they continue to see and experience Tanner differently and this gives them the sense of confidence and trust they need in order to handle his transition. Tanner talked about how glad he is they are all trying to do things differently now.

James comes from a large blended family consisting of four parents, one sibling and two step-siblings. Initially this very large family created a lot of emotion and confusion for the horses. James saw this, immediately stopped them, and led the family in calming themselves and focusing on the task in front of them. As a result, the horses calmed and were content to be with the whole huge family. They functioned very well together because James stayed very present, very communicative, and he was aware of and took care of everyone's emotional state while staying focused on solving the problem as well.
In processing, they all said that the way the activity started was the way they have been at home-scattered, at odds, confused and frantic; the state of the family made many of them anxious and irritable around each other. They each had their own way of coping with this in the past--controlling, disconnecting, over functioning, and becoming passive or passive/aggressive. In working through this activity, they said they felt themselves pulling together to have fun and to accomplish something as a family. As family members were sharing, James's father started crying openly. He talked about the experience of being blindfolded and how this forced him into letting go of control-giving him a feeling of true, deep closeness as a result. It was a powerful moment for all present.

Horses Highlight the Way the Family Functions Under Stress

During another session, two families realized how similar they are in their difficulties and the patterns they fall into when stressed. Both students were new to the ranch at the time of this exercise. Though in their lives both families were having serious daily struggles, during this arena exercise, one family functioned well while the other bickered and was paralyzed. Kirk led his family with great communications, leadership, and compassion, and the parents--being blindfolded--stopped their usual quarreling and listened to him. During processing, Kirk's parents talked about how great it was to interact successfully and we discussed the components of that success. They recognized that they listened and stayed in a focused, problem-solving mode; they cooperated instead of blaming or undoing each other; they helped rather than tearing each other down. They then talked about a violent argument they had the previous day and realized that their complete unwillingness to listen and problem solve caused that escalation. They were profoundly affected by the experience of the family functioning well as a unified team. They loved seeing their son take leadership for a positive cause, were moved by how he showed kind communication skills, and listened as well as guided; they realized they can function differently if they listen and respond rather than react. In her evaluation, Kirk's mom said, "I realized how much easier it was to communicate when we listened." His father added, "Our family can work together harmoniously if we put forth the effort."

The other student, Jack, was quickly overwhelmed by his parents' arguing, and struggled to communicate at all. As he felt more and more hopeless and could not direct the activity, the parents escalated their arguing and struggling with each other. They became frustrated that he was frozen and unable to function, not realizing their part in it. While listening to Kirk's family's experience, Jack's parents realized they caused their son's shutting down and that they need to change their interactions in order to help their son move forward in his life. This was a profound realization and has guided a great deal of change for the family since this experience.

Richard and his parents were tense and there was a lot of underlying anger going on with them as a family. In addition, Lance and his family were at odds over his future and had been arguing about that over the previous day or two. As we started this activity, the two horses were getting along fine, but when the two families came towards them, the horses began to fight and I stopped the activity. I asked everyone what they saw in the horses and how they thought the horses were feeling. The boys identified they were probably feeling anxious and pressured. I asked if any of them act out aggressively towards others when they are anxious or pressured. The two boys and both fathers related to this strongly and were stunned by the parallels. They all spent some time calming and centering themselves, talked with each other more completely and clearly, and then proceeded to do the activity. Mom felt good about Richard's progress and remarked about the roles and dynamics of the kids in the family. Richard talked about how he hasn't been complete in his communications with them and realized he needs to work on being more open and honest with them.
During processing Lance talked about his anxiety and how it comes out sideways. The most pertinent issue that came up was that mom started to escalate her frustration and the horse began to react. Lance brought up that mom is always the one to escalate things at home and mom brought up that dad has been too laid back and left all of the anger, emotion and boundaries to her. We talked about helping each other to balance both extremes rather than condemning each other over differences and polarizing each other further. They said they are working on this in their family work and saw how they need to continue in that work.

The Family Recreates Their Roles and Rules in the Arena
After some struggles Luke announced, "this is impossible." His mom began to
coach and tried to take over even though she couldn't see what to do. His step-father looked frustrated and irritable though he chose to shut down and withdraw as mom began to over-function. Luke pushed through his frustration and hopelessness and felt great when they completed the task.
In processing, mom said Luke has quit "everything in his life" and she always feels hopeless, panicked and then she begins to over-function. She also noticed that she could not understand what he was trying to say to her. I reflected that when she's in that over-functioning, panicky mode, it is hard for her to hear. She became tearful and shared how that has defined her life. I asked what the step-father felt when Luke expressed hopelessness. He said, "anger" and admitted that their physical fights always stemmed from those times. We discussed how in the midst of helplessness, we often act out by trying to regain power. Luke had learned this about himself in our Trauma Recovery Group and he could relate that his step-father's anger and controlling behavior stemmed from the same place as his own. This was an important moment for them to begin to understand how similar their feelings and reactions truly are. This realization has been the foundation for a very important healing in their relationship. The step-father also talked about feeling he had to set boundaries because mom would be caretaking and rescuing and Luke was not learning to be responsible. As we concluded the processing, I asked them to notice how they felt when Luke stayed with the activity and didn't stop until it was completed. They realized they felt a great sense of relief and hope.

Brad and his parents ran into some interesting realizations during their first family session in the equine arena. Mom became irritated and impatient, and Brad quickly fell into his anxiety and began to struggle to find words or stay focused on the challenge. The horse was uncomfortable and moved away several times. His father distanced and disconnected. As Brad struggled, he told me he couldn't figure out the rope halter, he thought it was tangled and he was doing it all wrong. Although I usually don't interact in the midst of the process, I told him he had it sorted out just fine. At that point he became unstuck and began to focus and work through the task. His mom noticed (and told us later during processing) that the supportive tone I used with Brad made a big difference in helping him move forward. She calmed herself and supported him by trying to listen and help where and when he asked. During processing, mom and dad talked about this dynamic; mom becomes irritated, Brad reacts with anxiety, dad withdraws, and then mom feels abandoned in the conflict. She resents her husband for not helping, and Brad often triangulates by going to dad for support. They not only saw how they've been in the past but they were able to shift and respond to each other differently within the experience to function in more healthy and productive ways. In her evaluation, mom said, "This was a new insight for me into the dynamic between Brad and I and how our conflicts escalate. My impatience increased his anxiety; whereas my clear communication without emotion increased his confidence and productivity." His father said, "This explained the dynamic between Brad, his mother, and myself. How I withdraw when they are in conflict."

The Horses Help Families See and Celebrate Their Transformations

Mark was very calm, focused, and communicative with his parents and very caring towards his horse as well. They functioned well and in processing, mom said that being blindfolded was a great experience of "surrender" which was her goal for the day. She said letting go and trusting Mark rather than controlling and micromanaging him, felt very good. Dad said he felt himself wanting to take over and rescue, but couldn't, so he too had to trust and relax. He said he felt great when they were able to do so well as a family.
Trent and his mom, stepfather, and grandfather worked well together. Trent stayed very calm, communicative, and was able to stay present and be aware of his horse's emotional state while balancing his focus on problem-solving as well. We talked about transitioning home and the emotions around that. We drew the analogy that Trent will need to stay very aware of his own and others emotional state, take care of himself, while staying focused on daily problem-solving as well.
Preston and his parents did very well communicating and keeping the activity relaxed and fun. Preston provided very positive and communicative leadership for them. He was encouraging when they struggled, and he laughed and joked rather than being angry at them. The contrast between them and the other family in this activity was helpful for the other parents and was a boost for Preston and his parents who felt more hope than they have previously felt. They seemed very together and happy and Preston was more animated and open than he typically is. I reflected how well they do when he embodies these characteristics.

In summary, the horses provide a unique perspective on our internal emotional processes and our interactions within the family. They mirror our individual emotions as well as the overall emotional tenor of the family. They play out the roles and rules we have often effectively hidden from ourselves for many years. They open us up to the possibilities of being more genuine and close with those we care about the most. And they help show us ways of being together that are healthier, more productive, and more harmonious. With our horses as co-therapists and the arena as our office, our students and their families have the opportunity to experience profound realizations and dramatic therapeutic growth and change.