Sending a teen to a rehab program is a tough decision for any parent. It's hard to look at the situation from any other standpoint than, "my child is addicted to drugs and they need serious help!" Our society views rehab as the only solution to overcoming an addiction, whether that be to drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs, or even video games. There are a million behaviors that we could consider "addictions" but in reality they are only a series of choices one makes. Some choices are obviously counterproductive to future success and goals. But there is one thing that parents must understand when their teen is on the verge of returning home from a rehab or drug treatment program and that is: there is no magic trick to overcoming drug or alcohol use.

There are certainly many mixed emotions and feelings associated with a teen returning home from a rehab or treatment program. Feelings can range from guilt, to fear, to anxiety surrounding whether the program worked or not. But in reality there is no program that can make someone choose to stop drinking or drug using. There is no magic pill, no meeting, no sponsor, no support group, no counselor, no rehab, no therapist or doctor… the only person who can effect this change or make the choice is the substance user.

Know The Truth About Relapse and Recovery

So what can parents do once their child comes home to prevent a relapse? If you ask someone on the street what is the most effective way for people to stop drinking or using drugs after a treatment program, most will say go to meetings. Yet, the data shows the most effective way for people to kick a drinking habit is to make a commitment to change and do it on their own.

Twelve-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous foster a belief system rooted in powerlessness. Some programs even teach that relapse is a normal part of recovery. As parents and mentors there must be a general understanding of expectations and behaviors. If someone believes they are diseased or powerless over drugs, they will certainly begin to believe it. If someone is told that relapse is a normal part of recovery, they will also begin to believe relapse is expected of them. That's why 12 step programs are treading a dangerous line. Are they truly helping someone to overcome drugs and alcohol or promoting more fear? Most times, they are promoting fear and lack of power. For a teen to be learning this at a young age it can be quiet detrimental to their future drug or alcohol use. This fear and powerlessness will be instilled in them through a 12 step program at an early age, and can be damaging to the rest of their teen years and well into adulthood.

Coming Home

Once the substance user returns home, there is no reason to act any differently or treat your son or daughter "delicately" as so many treatment programs recommend. Open and honest communication can help rebuild damaged relationships. It is ok to ask your teen about his or her plans, hopes, dreams and goals. If the dreams seem a bit lofty, do not discourage but instead ask about the plans he or she has made to reach a certain goal. Depending on the depth of your relationship, you may want to ask about short-term goals, volunteer opportunities, hobbies, career and academic goals, and even how he/she plans to socialize and make new friends.

Many will want to contact old friends with whom they may have used drugs and alcohol in the past. You cannot control your loved one so why waste energy trying? Any attempt at control will likely bring about the opposite result. Substance users often have friends that were no more than party buddies, but they may have a few good friends who can be there for them now. As program graduates move on with their plans, they will naturally shed their immature friends in much the same way you did when you grew up.

Encourage your teen to begin working towards their personal ideas of success. Allow them to realize and understand that they have complete control over their thoughts, behaviors and actions, and the immense benefits of being proactive in all areas of life. When your teen finally does return home they should not be treated any differently. They will need to work hard to fix the trust of friends and family, which must be re-earned. They should also understand that forgiveness may not come easy or at all and that their success is not dependent on any external factors. It is only dependent on them and their personal choices.

Although a newly sober teen does have control, sticking with their old beliefs allows them to continue to manipulate their family, friends, employers and environment so they can continue their chosen lifestyle of instant gratification with little or no personal responsibility.

If A Teen Uses Again

Some program graduates do go back to what families consider excessive use for a period of days, weeks, months or years, resulting in a bit more trouble, then seemingly overnight take responsibility, make a commitment to change and move on with their lives without further drug use. As the SAMHSA statistics and various other independent research shows, the vast majority of people mature out of these behavior problems at some point in their lives and have a much greater chance of doing so once they learn they can.

In cases where the individual returns home and continues substance use, it is up to the parents, relatives and friends to decide how much they are willing to take, how they want to proceed and what additional help, if any, they are willing to provide. Thankfully, they can do this with a clear conscience knowing the substance user is not suffering from a disease and is instead choosing that lifestyle fully knowing it is a choice. Parents, friends and relatives need not provide care any longer at the expense of their own happiness, finances and peace of mind. They can finally move on with their lives comfortable with their decision, knowing the only life they can control is their own.

Encourage Maturity and Letting Go

The adolescent years are a time of intense growth in all areas, physically, emotionally and mentally. It is during this time children must make the transition from dependent, reactionary, overly emotional, self-absorbed beings focused on instant gratification to independent, proactive, emotionally mature, caring adults that defer gratification to achieve future goals.

Parents and loved ones who make excuses, mitigate consequences or micromanage their adolescent and adult children show a complete lack of confidence in them. Their expectations of the substance user's capabilities are extremely low. For many teens and young adults, this encourages childish and immature behavior, which can last well into adulthood. Ironically, in families where parents are desperately trying to control their children and force them to behave, it is the substance users who truly run the show.

Ultimately parents must eventually give up control and let the teenager grow up on their own. This may seem harsh but it will benefit them in the long run as nearly 67% of high school graduates go to college and they will need to make mature decisions regarding their future. Each parent gets to the point, some sooner than others, when they must let go and hope for the best, for the mutual benefit of the child and the parent. When you have watched your teen, young adult or adult child make poor choices repeatedly, letting go can be frightening. But it is absolutely essential. This is far different than "tough love" and only requires parents to see their child as an adult making his or her own decisions.

About The Author: Melissa Kluska currently leads the content development for St. Jude Retreats, a non 12-step alternative to traditional alcohol and drug treatment. She has a Journalism Degree from Kutztown University of Pennsylvania and has studied sociology as well. In addition to writing for St. Jude’s, Melissa enjoys blogging about health, relationships and advice. For more information, visit our Drug Treatment page at www.soberforever.net/drug-treatment.cfm, or contact Melissa at mkluska@soberforever.org or by phone, 518-842-3052 ext. 211.