Getting from CALM to WISE

February 17, 2014

When teens and tweens are masters at pushing our buttons, how can parents get to a state of calm? What do we do when our kids are being argumentative, rude and threatening when we as parents say no? Lon Woodbury's guest today on Parent Choices for Struggling Teens, Dr. Laura Kastner, PhD, author of Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens, and Wise-Minded Parenting: 7 Essentials for Raising Successful Tweens and Teens, says the first step is to "get to calm" and regulate our "thinking brains". In order to do so, Dr. Laura suggest following a simple acronym: CALM= C- cool down and breathe deeply, A- asses your options, L- listen with empathy and M- map your plan. If that means going to another room for a time out, do so. Focus on the present moment and do not think about how the other person made you mad."

"Every child (around the age of 13) will have challenges due to brain changes (remodeling). It is hard wired into them, but how we deal with it is where we can have control. I think of it as a 'site in construction' and kids are quite different- some are quiet, some are thrill seeking and some have risks of depression. Parents need to be skilled to face these challenges. When we lead with our emotions, we don't do our best. When an argument over something comes up, state your answer and leave it at that�do not give them the reasons for your answer for this can cause the argument to go round and round. You can say: "I know I am making you furious, but I'm not going to budge on this." Don't change your answer- just listen empathetically. Stop the huge response of yelling- Do not continue the argument." It is important to have self-control.

Through 40-50 years of research, it has been shown that authoritative parenting works the best and has the best outcomes. This consists of parenting with high levels of warmth, high control, boundaries, structures and consistency and effective communication- to build bridges with their child with communication skills. Authoritative parents are also least likely to "cave at their child's threats". It is wise to remember that you are not alone- parents even in your personal circles are going through these challenges with their children. Don't take offense of your teen saying they "hate you!" It is not personal. They are wired for exploration and we need to adjust their "fence posts" to work with them and support them. It is easier said than done�it is essential to reach out to other parents and to know that we are all in this together.

If you see problems with your child, don't postpone or avoid them. If you suspect drug use or depression get help and get help early. There are numerous web sites that contain vital information and signs and symptoms to watch for. If needed seek the help of a counselor or practitioner and if needed- a specialist such as an Educational Consultant for a program or treatment center designed for the necessary help.

To listen to the full interview, go to Children: Getting from CALM to WISE on LATalkRadio.
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Lon Woodbury is the owner/founder of Woodbury Reports, Inc. and www.strugglingteens.com. He has worked with families and struggling teens since 1984, raised four children, is the host of Parent Choices for Struggling Teens and author of Parent Empowerment Handbook, available on amazon.com.

Dr. Laura Kastner, PhD is the author of 4 books on parenting, which include The Seven Year Stretch: How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence, The Launching Years: Strategies for Parents from Senior Year to College Life, Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens, and Wise-Minded Parenting: 7 Essentials for Raising Successful Tweens and Teens. Dr. Kastner is a clinical psychologist and a clinical professor, who holds positions in both the psychology department and the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington.

We are excited to announce that we have several openings for on-air sponsorship during our show on LA TALK Radio: Parent Choices for Struggling Teens. If you are interested in reserving some air time to promote your school, program or services, contact Kristie Campbell at kristie@woodbury.com or 208-267-5550

If you know somebody (including yourself) who would make a good guest on our show and might be interested, Contact Lon at lonwoodbury@gmail.com or 208-267-5550

Upcoming shows:

February 24:
Melissa Morrell-Director of Expressive Arts at La Europa- "Talking to a Digital Native"

March 1:
Nancy Rose- author- "Raise the Child You've Got, Not the One You Want"

March 10:
Adam Dolgin- Blogger and founder of Fodder4Fathers.com (Fathers are Equal Partners in Parenting)

March 17:
Dr. Ross Greene- author- "Lost at School"

Attention:

The following books are available on Amazon.com:

Part 1 - The Introduction to the Parent Empowerment Handbook

Part 2 - Single Sex Schools

Part 3 - Wilderness Therapy and Outdoor Education

Part 4 - Pre-Teens & Young Adults

Children Getting from CALM to WISE

Upcoming shows:

Attention:

Children
Getting from CALM to WISE