Woodbury Reports, Inc.
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Not The Brady Bunch

Today on Lon Woodbury's show, Parent Choices for Struggling Teens, the focus was on the struggles, myths and fantasies of blended families or also termed- Step families, with his guest Tricia Powe, the Executive Director of Stepfamily Systems Co-Parenting Center. The fantasy life of the 1970's sitcom The Brady Bunch, showed an idyllic blended family going through day to day life with their trusted housekeeper and mediator, Alice. What made this show so popular was the "perfect family" they showed to the world- on the outside. But…on the internal part, the un-seen part, is where the conflict, stress and chaos grows. The Brady Bunch is what we want to be, we want to all get along, and care about each other. We want to be Carol and Mike and present a unified single unit like them and we all want an "Alice", to make things run smoothly. But this is a myth.

Tricia shared with Lon eight of the most common myths of stepfamilies and the reality behind them.

Love occurs instantly between the child and step parent: Just because the couple is in love doesn't mean an equal bond will spring up in the parent/step child relationship. Often children will be resistant to liking or loving another parent because of feelings of being disloyal to their other parent. Also, because they are not our own, we don't have a built in tolerance or coping skills or insight into that child as the biological parent has acquired over the child's lifetime.

Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged. This is just a blanket statement. It is the conflict that will cause the damage, not the divorce. Parents need to put the bitterness behind them. As Lon shared "it is vital for all parents to be the adults and act like the adults."

Stepmothers are wicked! Typically in storybooks, stepmoms are portrayed as nasty witches. "We need to re-write that story, Tricia says. Children need to read and experience positive stories. Often step moms feel like they are under a microscope and they worry about making mistakes and how those mistakes will affect all the people involved in the two families and even in the courts eyes."

Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly… The reality is it can take anywhere from 4-7 years to get the blended feeling, if they can even blend. It does occur, but step parents need to remember they still influence the children so patience and perseverance are key.

Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw. Wrong, children will feel a sense of abandonment. "Our children need and want to be loved and accepted by both moms and dads. It is important to not compare yourself to the other mom/dad. You create your own relationship with that child.

Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier. A stepparent cannot fill the shoes of a passed away parent and we shouldn't try to. Parents need to find their own space.

Part-time stepfamilies are easier. "There is less time to spend together and bond and to build a good positive memories, which work to build a strong foundational bond. These bonds help you get through the tidal waves of trouble."

There is only one kind of family. "This is a thought we put on ourselves and along with the guilt of a failed marriage or out of wedlock birth, chosen single parenthood, foster parent or adoptive parent…the bottom line is when we use labels, we can adversely impact bonding because they get in the way. Tricia shared "Our heart is our life rudder, our mind is our sail and our thoughts are the winds that move us." We need to not let the negative thoughts come in.

To listen to the full interview, go to Not the Brady Bunch on LATalkRadio.
Also available in Podcast

Lon Woodbury is the owner/founder of Woodbury Reports, Inc. and www.strugglingteens.com. He has worked with families and struggling teens since 1984 and is the host of Parent Choices for Struggling Teens.

Tricia Powe is the Executive Director of Stepfamily Systems Co-Parenting Center and is a lifetime stepfamily member. Having been born into a stepfamily that failed and adopted at age 5 by a successfully blended stepfamily, she thought she would be the perfect stepmom. She quickly learned however, there was going to be a lot more than limited personal insights to successfully co-raising three children than she expected. During her husband's family law court experience's with his children's mother in the 1980's, Tricia began researching co-parenting and stepfamily dynamics and she earned her certificate in divorce mediation through ABA approved Mosten Mediation in 1998. Her research serves as the foundation of the stepfamily and co-parenting self-care system co-parenting adults can access through stepfamily systems' courses.