Parents Lower The Volume On Discipline

An update may be in order for the childhood saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." The results of a new study shows that harsh verbal punishment, such as shouting, cursing or using insults, is just as harmful to adolescents as physical discipline.

The study, published online in the journal Child Development, comes from researchers at the University of Pittsburgh, who found that adolescents whose parents used harsh verbal punishment suffered from depression and were more likely to engage in vandalism or aggressive behavior.

The author of the study is Ming-Te Wang, Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychology and the School of Education at the University of Pittsburg. Shouting and yelling are ineffective and can be harmful, Wang said. "This may explain why so many parents say that no matter how loud they shout, their teenagers don't listen."

Jane Baker and Paul Bakke, clinicians who work with troubled teens at the Elk River Treatment Program in North Alabama, hope that parents will carefully consider the implications of these findings. Both agree that emotional safety of a child is just as important as the physical safety of a child. "Yelling breaks the barrier of safety and communicates rejection, not of the behavior, but of the person," explained Bakke, an Associate Licensed Counselor. "It is a disrespectful and belittling form of communication, and when it is from a parent, the rejection is typically interpreted and the behavior that the parent is yelling about goes unheard."

Ms. Baker agreed. "One of the most important components of the parent child relationship is emotional safety for the child. This is best created when parents are able to set boundaries, limitations, and clear expectations from a place of quiet confidence. Creating emotional safety is an ongoing process in which parents provide discipline and correction with empathy and love, rather than anger and punishment."

So how do parents get the attention of a teen who is exhibiting oppositional, reckless or disrespectful behavior?

Bakke suggests "calm corrective discipline so that the behavior or choice becomes the focus of rejection, not the teen." Communicating concern for the teen needs to be the focus rather than communicating how the teen let the parent or the family down. When parents over-react, they are essentially conveying the message 'I can't handle your mistakes.'

Baker agreed and added, "As a result of parents over-reacting to their mess ups, children think two or three times before letting parents know that they have made mistakes." Children need to know that they have a safe environment to discuss their achievements or their mistakes.

Another benefit of a calm approach to discipline is that it creates a safe environment for teens to be honest, Bakke said. "Communicating that the teen will not be rejected for their behaviors while also being consistent with consequences that logically connect to the behaviors is the balancing act. It is a constant process to keep the balance from tipping one way or the other, so parents also need to talk with each other away from the teen when discussing how to respond to unhealthy behaviors and choices."

Baker added, "Occasionally each of us will be unable to accomplish discipline with empathy in a given situation, due to our own limitations or ghosts from our own past. However, yelling as a way of attempting to create change will always result in failure." Baker, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with advanced training in attachment disorders and trauma, explained that "yelling creates emotional release for us and an inappropriate expression of rage toward our children. This creates distance and fractures a child's sense of safety."

Furthermore Baker pointed out that once the heart rate exceeds 120 beats per minute, it is impossible to exercise logical thinking. "All that is left is sheer emotion and its aftermath - which is hurt. Children can't help but react to our over-reaction," she said. Bakke also noted that, at this heart rate, people go into "fight, flight or freeze" mode and become hyper-vigilant to danger, resulting in either defensiveness, avoidance, or emotionally shutting down. "Maintenance of the relationship in the midst of a problem is paramount to problem-solving," according to Bakke.

To avoid heated and/or emotional exchanges while a child is in treatment at Elk River, families learn how to communicate appropriately by writing letters to one another. Pen and paper are surprisingly successful therapeutic tools.

"Writing letters can help parents weigh out how to address difficult issues because it gives parents a chance to communicate exactly what they need to say without getting overly emotional or without being affected by the anticipation of an immediate response," Bakke explained. "Journaling before writing a letter or having a difficult discussion can help parents get clear on how they are feeling and what they are thinking, and then how to best address the issue," he said.

Baker stresses that parents take these important steps when disciplining a child:

Make sure everyone is safe - physically and emotionally before doing anything else.

Never discipline when you are angry.

Take a few minutes to calm down and think about what you need to say or do. Delayed consequences are still consequences.

Make sure that you separate behaviors from self-worth.

Communicate effectively your emotions (Mad, Sad, Glad, or Scared) in a respectful calm way to maximize the possibility that your kids ears will be able to work.

Try to communicate your upset in 12 words or less. Anything more results in OORS (Over Ocular Rotation Syndrome or Eye Rolling Syndrome)

Use letter writing and journaling to communicate when necessary.

Praise a child appropriately when they successfully complete any consequences.