The Art of "Yes and No"

Our Head of School, Will Laughlin, writes a monthly update to our board of trustees. We thought we'd share this one with you. Enjoy!

Dear Trustees,

With days getting shorter and fall quarter drawing to a close, Oliverian's staff and students are getting to know each other in new ways. Students are beginning to trust us enough to test us. To the trained eye, teachers and dorm staff are showing faint signs of perplexity and fatigue. Parents are making demands. In other words, our work has begun.

Now that polite September has passed, we're seeing that these students are not here by accident. They're beginning to struggle with the same tangles that have long caused them-and their teachers, counselors, peers, and parents-enormous frustration and pain. These tangles may be simple social awkwardness or an entrenched emotional disorder; they may include trauma, anxiety, adoption, or addiction. The real frustration for Oliverian students, though, is that they're so nearly "normal." But they just can't quite pull normal off. They're quirky and sensitive; they "think different" and don't yet know how to turn that to their advantage.

Whatever their underlying struggle is, it has to show up in all its messiness for us to begin addressing it. That's the irony of this work. In order to help our kids conquer their struggles we have to first let them struggle.

That's why my favorite times of the school year are fall and early spring, when those of in the boarding school business start feeling a little thin and all the funky stuff is boiling to the surface. It's when our students start demanding clear answers to the two main questions of childhood and adolescence: "do you love me?" and "can I do whatever I want?" This is when we're forced to practice the Zen-like art of saying "yes and no" in a single breath.

Just before starting this note, I ran six miles by headlamp on dark forest trails with a normally silent, sullen, 16-year old student whom we'll call Seth. Running with me is part of an on-campus suspension for a run of behavioral moguls he's been bumping through. For Seth, it was a "consequence." For me, it was a treasured opportunity to join my faculty in practicing the art of "yes and no." Along the way we did pushups. Seth managed to bang out 320. I've never seen this kid smile like he did after our run, standing in the school cafeteria, steam rising off his shoulders, eating peanut butter. "Was that really six miles?" "Yep. You are an animal, Seth. I'm proud of you." "Yeah." He may not be able to walk tomorrow, but it will have been worth it.

Our work is hard and complicated and sometimes a little messy. It depends on kids showing us their worst so that we can show them their best. It's wonderful work and I'm immensely grateful to be doing it with such a passionate team and supportive board. Three months in and I feel like I've been here forever. Like I'm home. We have great good things to do together.

Thank you,

Will Laughlin, MA, MEd
Head of School/CEO

Oliverian School is an alternative boarding school located in a beautiful valley in northern New Hampshire. Boys and girls in grades 9-12 who have struggled in a more traditional setting thrive at Oliverian because of an effective blend between experiential learning and college preparation. The School provides a balance between challenge and support in all areas of a student's academic, social, and emotional life. We also offer a seven-week Summer Session which combines six weeks of academic recovery and enrichment with a one week adventure trip.