Echo Malibu
Malibu, CA

When there's a teenager in the house, the home environment can become a virtual war zone. Parents do everything they can to support their child and establish appropriate rules and boundaries, but give up when their attempts repeatedly fail. Teenagers who don't feel heard or understood then become angry or withdrawn, and may even turn to negative peer groups, drugs and alcohol, and other troubling behaviors to get their needs met. Like their parents, they have given up, deciding it's just not possible to have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship.

But life with a teenager doesn't have to be riddled with conflict. Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs, yet comes with the least amount of training. That's where parent effectiveness training comes in. According to Carol Nalin, who has provided this type of training to families in crisis for more than 15 years, with guidance and practice, parents and teens can learn more effective communication skills and truly begin to relate to and understand one another.

What Is Parent Effectiveness Training?

Parent effectiveness training was one of the first parenting classes ever created. Since its conception in 1962 by award-winning psychologist and three-time Nobel Peace Prize Nominee Dr. Thomas Gordon, the program has been utilized by thousands of families struggling with parent-child conflict.

The message of parent effectiveness training is that parents and teens can learn to work with each other instead of against each other, resulting in less anger, fewer power struggles, more problem-solving and personal responsibility, and greater willingness to comply with the rules. Parents learn to listen to their teen so she feels genuinely cared for and understood, and to speak in a way that encourages the teen to listen. In short, parent effectiveness training is one way to bring peace back into your household.

Dr. Gordon's approach to parenting involves a few central components. One is active listening, which is the parent's ability to reflect back in her own words the opinions and emotions of the child. The goal is to help the adolescent understand his own problems and devise his own solutions.

Another component of parent effectiveness training is using "I" messages to convey needs, feelings, beliefs, ideas, and reactions. When faced with conflict, parents are taught to use these messages to describe how the teen's behavior makes them feel in an honest, but non-judgmental way. For example, "I feel discouraged when you speak to me in a negative tone," or "I appreciate all of your help with dinner tonight," or "I'd like to hear your plans for tonight so we can work out the details ahead of time." These types of messages prevent conflict by allowing parents to clearly describe their feelings and needs without attacking the other person, thus strengthening family relationships.

Parent effectiveness training also teaches that conflicts can be resolved without either party, parent or teen, "losing." The goal is to find democratic solutions that are agreeable to all parties involved by inviting the teen to take part in the decision-making process. Adolescents tend to be more motivated to comply with rules and decisions that they helped design.

The "Behavior Window" is another concept Dr. Gordon developed for determining who owns the problem when a conflict arises. Parents use this window to decide which skill to use, depending on whose problem it is. For example, if a behavior is acceptable to the parent but not the child, the problem is with the child and the appropriate conflict resolution method is active listening. If the behavior is unacceptable to the parent, the parent is directed to use "I" messages to communicate her needs.

Establishing Openness and Improving Communication

For years, Carol Nalin has provided parent effectiveness training to families of teens with substance abuse problems at Echo Malibu, a residential drug rehab program for teens in Malibu, California. She provides parents with Dr. Gordon's famous book as well as handouts she created highlighting the most important lessons for parents and teens. The message of Carol's weekly trainings, which can be conducted in person or by phone, is not that parents are "doing something wrong" but that they can find ways to replace the things that aren't working for the family.

Parent effectiveness training teaches that communicating with a teen can be a win-win situation if both sides learn to listen. "I love this way of communicating," Carol says. "It's a way for parents to get their needs met without sacrificing anyone else's needs in the process. When these tools are put to use, parents are able to approach their teenagers in a way that opens communication rather than closing it down."

Carol also spends time each week counseling the teens at the Echo Malibu adolescent substance abuse treatment center. Just as parents don't have an instruction manual for parenting, she explains, teens are never taught how to communicate effectively. "With the techniques we teach at Echo, teens no longer have to stuff their feelings or vent frustrations through drug or alcohol abuse - they can approach mom and dad with more openness and honesty, and without fear that anyone will become defensive."

Making Mistakes, Finding Solutions

One of the most valuable lessons Carol shares with parents of struggling teens is the importance of letting their teen learn from her own mistakes, so long as the risk is not dangerous or life-threatening. Many so-called "helicopter parents" want to rescue their child from hardship or discomfort, but according to Carol, this sends the message that the teen isn't capable of handling the issue, or that the parent can handle it better. As a result, the adolescent walks away feeling bad about himself and skeptical of his own abilities.

Parent effectiveness training teaches that healthy development requires teens to accept more responsibility for their choices and behaviors, and encourages parents to let their children make mistakes and come up with their own solutions. "Because parents love and want the best for their kids, they tend to want to fix everything for their child," Carol observes. "But it's hard to learn to navigate successfully through life if you have someone doing all of the work for you."

Adolescence is a time when teens need to begin breaking away from their parents and developing the skills that will lead them successfully into adulthood. By making and learning from one's own mistakes, a teen learns essential problem-solving skills, develops self-confidence, and discovers how to make intelligent choices for himself.

"An adolescent who doesn't know how to make healthy choices is more likely to just go along with what their peer group is doing," notes Carol. "There is no question that teens, wherever they live and whoever they're around, will be exposed to drugs and alcohol. They need strong values and good decision-making skills that will help them make the right choice."

When teens leave Echo Malibu, many return to their home environment and home school, which means they may be exposed to the same negative peer influences and temptations that led them to seek drug treatment in the first place. The skills they learn at Echo Malibu prepare them to face these challenges and let go of friends and lifestyles that are not supportive of their sobriety.

Addiction Is a Family Disease

Teens that aren't shut down emotionally are far more likely to stay sober, says Carol. And when they begin to see changes in their parents, who they thought would never change, they start believing their relationships really can be better. But in order to be effective, the entire family has to be involved in counseling.

"Addiction is a family issue," Carol states. "If the family dynamic doesn't change, the teen is more likely to relapse. Conversely, if the family dynamic does change and the teen feels safe to communicate, we are able to get at the reasons underlying the drug abuse and work toward resolving the issues."

As a testament to the close bonds Carol develops with the parents and teens at Echo Malibu, many of the families stay in touch even after the teens complete formal drug treatment. On a typical day, it wouldn't be unusual for Carol to hear from families she counseled four or five years ago who have a question or have run into a communication snag with their teen.

Carol says, "Results like that are what makes me want to keep doing this after 30 years."