Some children may withdraw into themselves, becoming shy, timid or withdrawn and otherwise developing an inferiority complex. Some may act out by "becoming the class clowns" as a way of masking their own sense of inadequacy because they do not want to let their peers know that they cannot do the school work or do not understand something, wanting to "save face." Developing this new identity of "being the class clown" gives them an identity and a sense of being in control, even though it may not be in their own best self interests, as they often get into trouble. The child, in this way, does not have to let others know of his or her own sense of worthlessness which is more painful than the punishment that may come from the behavior. For some, the punishment is actually a reward. If such a child is suspended or expelled for being disruptive, the child then does not have to face the school teachers and fellow students, which is a vulnerable place to be, given the child's sense of inadequacy. They do not have to "front" with being "the class clown" or the "class bad ass" if they are not in the school to begin with.

What most experiential and emotional growth schools are able to do is put the child into a situation where the emotional damage can be repaired. The child learns a new reality based on rational and functional beliefs, as the old irrational and dysfunctional beliefs are eradicated. The child gets to return to the state of childhood that existed before his sense of self became distorted by the teachings of others which began the destruction of the child's perfect sense of self. The Dos, Don'ts, Shoulds, Musts, Oughts, Cans, Cannots, etc., are what created the dysfunctional and rebellious teen.

As the child begins to learn his or her own interests, intelligence, traits, characteristics, aptitudes, abilities, etc., he or she begins to self actualize. After trust and respect are established, you then explain to the students that many problems they encountered in academic work because they believed they were incapable of learning, they can now learn. They are screened academically to find out where the learning problem began and where the learning stopped. Giving a child academic work based on where the child is actually performing leads in a short period of time to the adolescent learning new skills at an exponentially fast rate because the child's mind has developed to where it can understand abstract thoughts and ideas that the child had no ability to comprehend when a small child with concrete or literal intellectual ability.

All of the foregoing more heavily impacts boys than girls because boys develop emotionally, intellectually and physically slower than girls. That is why you have far more boys than girls who wind up in "exceptional" education classes due to behavior, mental handicaps, etc. This also explains why there are far more boys than girls with drug addictions, legal problems, suicides, etc.

The entire focus in education needs to begin to take into consideration the differences in development between boys and girls and to stop using the "one size fits all" approach to education and in parenting.

Most parents and teachers mean well with their directions, teachings, instructions, etc. But, regardless of intentions, the results are catastrophic to our children. And, the emotional and intellectual damage will continue unless there is intervention at some point in the person's life to begin to repair the damage done by those who meant well, but did not know better ways of teaching, or if they did know, were unwilling to practice.

If you have a child who is out of control or is experiencing serious emotional and/or academic troubles, find an alternative school program, public or private, that has a faculty or other staff who understand Child Development as it relates to healthy emotional and intellectual growth. They can begin to return your child to the natural state that existed before the world outside them began to distort and misshape their realities into irrational or dysfunctional beliefs which compounded over time to the point where you are now--trying to figure out and understand your child's behavior, whether that behavior is manifesting in total withdrawal or complete rebellion, finding the help your child needs. It's in your child's best interest.

Most parents love their children and want what is best for them. Most parents believe that old adage that says "Oh, he or she will grow out of this; this is just a phase that he or she is going through." That is not true for the most part. If the child has serious emotional problems now based on his or her irrational belief system, until that is repaired, the problems will only compound as the child goes through life creating new beliefs, ideas and thoughts based on past irrational beliefs and assumptions, and the problems will grow. If the child begins to experiment with drugs or alcohol or other self-destructive behavior, not only are the problems not going to improve, they are going to radically grow worse exponentially, and these problems are going to carry over into adulthood.

A child who, for whatever reason, feels inadequate is looking for a sense of self, a sense of belonging, a sense of identity, a sense of power or control, a sense of not being able to be happy or have fun or to find pleasure in life. Such a child is worried and concerned about everybody else's opinions of him or herself because this is what they have learned. Such a child and often winds up darting here or there looking for a place to fit in where he or she is accepted based on what he or she perceives to be popular, cool, in or out, etc.

When a child who is heavily impacted by peer pressure and seeking acceptance discovers alcohol or other drugs, they say "Wow!" "I like this feeling, I do not feel shy, timid, and do not care about other people's opinions of me now." All of a sudden, the shy, withdrawn boy of 13 discovers that he is not shy and can talk to that girl he has wanted to talk to, but was afraid of being rejected or laughed at. He finds that he is pretty cool, can talk to the girl, and she accepts him. Then, he learns "Hey, I can dance!" He begins to dance without fear of what others may think or that they may laugh at him.

What has really happened is that the boy was momentarily able, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, to forget about his concern about his peers' opinions of him, which held him back and made him feel inadequate in some way. So, an alcoholic or drug addict is born. The boy is going to like this new found feeling of adequacy and fun so much that he begins to depend on the "miracle" cure as often as is possible, equating fun, pleasure and a sense of well-being with the alcohol or other drug.

What the boy does not realize is that the drug or alcohol did not give him rhythm and the ability to dance or the personality that made him able to talk to girls. What the alcohol or drug actually did was to let the boy forget his irrational belief that he was not good enough and helped him not care about other people's opinions. He did what he wanted to do but had never believed in himself enough to do. The rhythm and ability to dance were already there within the child. His real potential and ability came forward when he forgot about his earlier learning, feelings of inadequacy and the opinions of others.

An emotionally healthy individual would not need alcohol or other mind-altering substances to be able to do what he or she wanted to do. An emotionally well child would talk to girls or dance if he or she wanted to because such a child would have a healthy and intact sense of self from the beginning before the outside world corrupted and misshaped the child's sense of self, forming his or her irrational and dysfunctional belief system which took the child further away from the near perfect child he or she was born to be.

About this article:
This is the second of a three-part series by Jerome Ennis, MA, Ed, Tuscaloosa, AL 35406. For more information, he can be contacted by phone at 205-523-1967 or via e-mail at jeromeennis@aol.com or marvin.ennis@va.gov